The Sketch Pad
Txtzine Emizil Foshizil Cuntizil
The Apocalypse
Idiot Of The Year!
Fuck Jarrod In His Stupid Ass!
Adventures In Stupidity
Adventures In Stupidity (Part 2)
Adventures In Stupidity (Part 3)
WWE = Weak Wrestling Emulation
The Goth Culture
Ye Olde Bible-Thumpers
EMO Rant
Txtzine Butchering
This Month's Feature
Higher Education
Ripsaw Interview
Contact Me

So I read the crappiest zine ever yesterday....

So I was hangin' out down at Lightning Bolt Comics (99 Grafton Street, so much better than the cumic cunter, and no that's not a typo) when I saw this pile of poorly folded pieces of paper with "txt" on the front, so I picked one up and examined it.  It smelled like failure and made my hands stink for a while; however, paint thinner goes a long ways.  So I opened it up (bad idea from the start) to notice that it had a poorly drawn comic strip on the back of it.  I read it, then I gagged, then asked the nearest person if it was supposed to be funny.  They read it, gagged, etc (pssst...the comic has a blatant grade 7 grammar error in it) of course I had to read what was supposed to be the intelligent part of the "zine" so I could waste an hour counting up the typos.
# of typos found in txtzine: 1 badly done joke that I will count as a typo and 15 other typos in something you could fit in under 300 words.  Also, the article with the most typos in it is one written by the editor.....excuse me while I wag.
On top of the poor folding of paper, bad cartoon that was so lame that I had to actually ask someone if it was supposed to be funny, and a retarded shit-flinging editor (notice the PROPER USE of COMMAS people?  Try to find that in txtzine), the final article I read was a horribly biased view on heavy metal and EMO music that just bashed every style of music except for EMO.  This is unacceptable in this industry, so I must insult them majorly.  I am now going to write the rest of this article as though I worked for txtzine, simply because I wish to save my brain power for important things.
ohkaie so EMOs the greatest think sinze slise breaded; i luv EMO muzick alot bekuz its k3wl and im a genius' bekuz im smrt licke thats your a looser if you thank eny diferent I licke throughing mi pooop at stuff bekuz its fun end it smels funnie; know onto tha serius wurk bekuz teh pbulisher maybe geting angrie with me pooopyng soh mutch end stuff licke that.
i licke to rite reely shoart para.....sumthingz
hehehehe pooop!!!1!!one!!1
Oh god that almost killed my brain cells completely.  Anyways, here's the email I wrote in response to their "zine" as they like to call it:

Personally I found that piece of work to be quite poorly done and the article by Matthew Hennessey to be very one-dimensional and biased (and what's with no title on it?). The entire article was just bashing every other genre of music except for EMO, this shows complete lack of professionalism as a writer of any kind other than a whiner. I listen to EMO and all I hear is punk, I don't really hear much difference between the two except for the bad haircuts and the crazy cracked-out lead singers (although there's obviously got to be some subtle differences).

Sure, there's EMO that I listen to since I find it a lot like punk. Everyone's entitled to like whatever music they so wish to, just don't publish this kind of garbage and distribute it. I personally find it offensive to all of us writers out there who don't bias their opinions. I used to write a small online music magazine and wrote about all sorts of different music. I'd be at one extreme doing interviews with bands like Crimson Massacre (Death Metal), then another interview with Fallon Bowman of Amphibious Assault (Industrial Techno), then writing about artists like Christina Aguilera and P!nk and being serious about the album reviews. I wouldn't sit there bitching about how much I don't like pop music and "Oh it's so one-dimensional" and blah blah blah. Things are only one-dimensional to you because you're only looking at them with one eye, open your mind a bit and accept the fact that you really don't know what you're talking about in the music industry.

Although Christina doesn't write her own music, she's at least involved in everything that happens in her career, so she's trying to do at least something. If you want to talk about one-dimensional, then talk about how EMO is one-dimensional just like everything else. It's one-dimensional because it's a little something called a "genre" and therefore to be part of a genre, it has to follow certain guidelines just like every other kind of music. Also, why would you state that EMO is more metal than Korn? Gee, I guess that Korn didn't start its own genre within metal (nu-metal), revolutionized the world of music, brought metal closer to the mainstream, started their own record label, influenced a lot of newer metal bands, and make large wads of cash-ola. Now what does EMO do? It's a lot like punk, it hasn't revolutionized shit, it's as close to metal as punk is. Now sure, bands like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park stated that they have metal influences, they never claimed to be metal as you stated in the article. Do your research son.

Besides, EMO sounds nothing more than a punk/metal hybrid for half the time. The rest of the time it mostly sounds like mainstream crap punk like Not By Choice, just without hot chicks and actual airplay. The last bit of EMO bands like Atreyu are just piles of steaming shit in my personal opinion. It's standard power chords over and over with little licks here and there and a bunch of inaudible screaming that fades in comparison to the voice ranges of Dani Filth (Cradle Of Filth), Morgan Lander (Kittie), and Otep. Sure, it sounds cool for a good 10 seconds, then you realise there's maybe 10 coherent words in the chorus and the rest is garbled shit. Sure, there's room for that in the world, just don't praise it like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Those vocalists will be out of the industry within 3 or 4 years because they won't have any vocal chords left, this means that the bands have no staying power and there will be no real flagship bands around long enough for the industry to take them seriously.

Oh and if you're going to comment on Dani Filth, yes I already know that his doctor told him he can't sing like that anymore because it'll rip out his vocals chords. They're just going to change the sound around a bit. However, vocalists like Morgan Lander have revolutionized metal as we know it. Successfully combining violent (coherent) screaming with sweet melodic singing at proper moments that make it sound more like a composition than a metal song done by 18 year old girls. Also, Kittie was the first band in 2001 confirmed for Ozzfest, and you can't get more metal than Ozzy and Sabbath.

So to say that EMO is metal is to say that Sabbath isn't. It's like how you can string together some words that rhyme but you won't be a rapper unless you got the right stuff for it. There's a soul in Heavy Metal than EMO just doesn't seem to have. It's like they tried to clone it but failed in the process due to just not getting the whole picture.

Also, your editor is a flaming piece of crap. How exactly do you people operate when your editor misses 50 million typos that are so horribly noticeable? Is he sitting in his office flinging his shit against the wall, then masturbating in public as you people tell him how great a job he's doing? Then he flings more shit at a wall, then hands in the final product, covered in his shit of course. I'm sorry but this email is more than likely longer than your product and it has less typos with no editor. Why? Because I can actually spell and I know my grammar. I'll admit, I mess up from time to time, but that's what you normally have an EDITOR FOR!!! You've got to be kidding me that you've got an editor in on the deal. How could an editor (a competent one at that) miss that much garbled crap? Was he just.....well, I shouldn't go back over the shit-flinging bit.

All in all, it was a big piece of crap and not worth my time, however I'm an islander and feel the need to bitch for a really long time about everything I can get my hands on. I'm pretty sure it's just some inferiority complex.....or maybe I just needed to scratch my ego a bit since how could I feel inferior to that kind of shit flinging?

Toodles, have an extra special day!

Love and sincerely,



Ok so if you want to, you can check out this unfinished website for the future Txtzine so you can make fun of them or even e-mail them.


Enter supporting content here